You know what I've spent most of my day doing? Planning to study. Meaning to study. Intending to study. Ever since I got out of Political Science at two twenty today, I've been saying to myself, "All right, the next thing I need to do is study." You know how much time out of that eight hours I've spent actually studying? Thirty-five minutes. A lousy thirty-five minutes.

I don't know if I've had too much caffeine or not enough. While I feel tired right now, if I go to read my textbook I'll immediately lose my ability to sit still. This has been a problem in the past, but for the most part my ability to study has been almost superhuman for these past few weeks. It's almost like summer school does something to me that makes me actually want to learn, I dunno. *laughs* But whatever it was, it's gone. Perfect timing, too. Now that I have my final to take tomorrow, I can't concentrate on Roe v. Wade or Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka any more than I can concentrate on a Spanish soap opera. So what have I decided to do?

I have decided to blog. Blog like I've never blogged before, and like I never shall again.

But now that I've made that declaration, I'm tired of sitting still again. So now I think I'll just go out for some ice cream.

Cheers.

Listening to: Battle Hymn of The Republic - Baylor University Golden Wave Band

You know, a couple of weeks ago I forgot to set my alarm clock for church. I woke up with only twenty minutes until church started, and by the grace of God I managed to convince myself that it was still worth trying to make it.

The timeline was as follows:

10:08 (ish) - Wake up. Roll around for a minute or two.
10:10 - Look at clock. Panic.
10:10:30 - Grab all the clothes in sight and run to the bathroom for a shower.
10:11 - Realize that I am out of clean towels.
10:12 - Start shower anyway, deciding to use my robe as a towel
10:17 - Finish shower, get dressed, fix hair, brush teeth
10:20 - Leave for church
10:22 - Realize I have forgotten my bible. Go back to get it.
10:24 - Leave apartment for the second time, this time armed with my bible.
10:28 - Arrive at an empty church parking lot. There is a sign in the window: "UBC is rennovating their sanctuary this summer! We will be meeting at Barry's coffe house. [address]
10:29 - This is where the remarkable things happen. Barry's is downtown Waco, and while I'm not far from there I'm not exactly one minute away either. In fact, on a regular day that would be about a ten-fifteen minute drive considering traffic and stoplights. Regardless, I decided that since I've come this far I should still go even though I'd be about fifteen minutes late. There have, after all, been worse tragedies.

However, when I started driving, the roads completely cleared. No traffic. Zero. Zip. And I didn't hit a single, solitary red light in between the church and Barry's. I'm not kidding: no cars, no red lights. It was the single most amazing thing I've ever experienced, traffic-wise. I've been wanting to tell the story ever since, but nobody ever brings up traffic miracles in casual conversation these days, so I've had to resort to putting it here. So, little Blog, thank you for listening to my story. But anyway...
10:34 - Arrive at church to find that the service is starting late anyway
10:40 - Church starts, and all was well with my soul.
11:45 - Lunch at McAlester's and even more is well with my soul.

And that's my traffic story. Thank you, goodnight.

For the past two weeks, I've been letting my facial-fuzz grow out in the chin area. I've been shaving around it and everything, just to see what would happen.

The answer is: nothing. Absolutely nothing. There's hair there, yeah, but it's all soft and white. Only people who were paying close attention to my face would have even noticed it, I would guess. So, this morning I glanced at my invisible goatee after my shower, and decided that it was time for it to go. I don't think it will be missed. Maybe I'll try again next summer.

But for now, here's a survey for you! Stolen from Andy's blog:

[ name ] John Michael Carmack
[ nicknames ] Carmack, Hippie, C-Mack, Johnny, etc.
[ born in ] Weatherford, OK
[ resides in ] Waco, TX
[ good student ] This semester... yes. Rest of my life... not so much.
[ eyes ] Blue. Very blue.
[ hair ] Cappucino Blonde
[ shoe size ] 11

last time you ...
[ had a nightmare ] Election 2000 (Gore... *shudder*)
[ said "i love you" and meant it ] Last time I talked to my dad, I reckon.
[ ate at mcdonald's ] Can't remember, thank goodness.
[ dyed your hair ] Never.
[ brushed your hair ] Does combing count? I did that this morning... haven't used a brush in ages, though.
[ washed your hair ] This morning
[ checked your e-mail ] Ten minutes ago
[ cried ] September 22, 1998
[ called someone ] Sunday morning at about 3:00
[ smiled ] Right now.
[ laughed ] Also right now.
[ talked to an ex ] Late March

do you ...
[ smoke? ] Nope.
[ do drugs? ] Nope.
[ have sex? ] Nah.
[ sleep with stuffed animals? ] My pillow is stuffed...
[ have a dream that keeps coming back? ] Yeah. Her name is "Jen."
[ play an instrument? ] Several.
[ believe there is life on other planets? ] I just... don't... care. Is that so bad?
[ remember your first love? ] Yep...
[ still love him/her? ] Not in the same way.
[ read the newspaper? ] Not lately, but I do when it's there.
[ have any straight friends? ] Probably.
[ consider love a mistake? ] Depends on who you're in love with.
[ like the taste of alcohol? ] Wouldn't know.
[ believe in god? ] But of course.
[ pray? ] Indeed.
[ go to church? ] Certainly.
[ have any secrets? ] Not really... I mean, there's things about me that people don't know, but if they were to ask I'd tell them. I keep other people's secrets fairly well, I just don't bother to keep them myself.
[ have any pets? ] Not at the moment.
[ talk to strangers who instant message you? ] Only until I stop being amused. This usually takes about a minute.
[ wear hats? ] Oh, yes.
[ have any piercings? ] No, but I did stab myself at work once. Just in the thumb, though.
[ have any tattoos? ] Nope.
[ hate yourself? ] Not so much, no.
[ have an obsession? ] My attention span is too short.
[ have a secret crush? ] Not really. It's a fairly well known fact, and is it a crush when it's reciprocated?
[ collect anything? ] Not really, but I am very much a packrat.
[ have a best friend? ] Yeah, sure.
[ like your handwriting? ] Well, it's the only handwriting I've got.
[ have any bad habits? ] Sleeping in.
[ care about looks? ] Depends on who I'll see that day, even though most days I look about the same.
[ boy/girlfriend's looks? ] As shallow as it sounds, yeah, it's something that has a pretty major effect on my decision whether or not to date somebody. I mean, if I'm not attracted to somebody, then so be it. I'm not super-finicky when it comes to looks, but I prefer to have a physical attraction to the person.
[ friends and other people? ] Hey, do what you want. I'll hang out with whoever.
[ believe in witches? ] Of course. Wicca is fairly common in some areas of the globe.
[ believe in satan? ] Indeed.
[ believe in ghosts? ] Not sure. I have a long-winded theory concerning them, but I don't want to type it all up here.

current:
[ dress ] Flip-flops, jeans, Hawaiian shirt (mostly blue, with cars & palm trees)
[ mood ] Content
[ make-up ] What?
[ music ] Man of Constant Sorrow - O Brother Where art Thou soundtrack
[ taste ] I had an Altoid about half an hour ago
[ hair ] Fixed
[ annoyance ] Lack of conversational topics
[ smell ] Um... my deodorant?
[ thought ] "How can answer this and sound witty?"
[ book ] Mere Christianity (CS Lewis) and Proverbs (of the Bible), various other Bible books
[ fingernail color ] I don't know what to call that color. The color of fingernails.
[ refreshment ] I am without.
[ worry ] My speech I have to do this week. I still need to pick a company.
[ crush ] Again, is it a crush when they're interested back?
[ favorite celebrity ] I dunno. Somebody old and dignified, we'll say.

last person ...
[ you touched ] Jason Archer
[ you talked to ] I do not remember... eep.
[ you hugged ] Jason Archer
[ you instant messaged ] Jen
[ you yelled at ] I haven't really yelled at anyone in a very long time.
[ you had a crush on ] Uh... Jen?
[ who broke your heart ] Hmmm... can't say I've been given the chance to get that attached. The one time I did, it was me who broke it off. So... me?
[ kissed ] Jen

who do you want to:
[ kill ] Oh, I dunno. Who do you want me to kill?
[ slap ] At the moment, Brett. I'm sitting on a $250 cable bill that must be answered for.
[ tickle ] I dunno. Who do you want me to tickle?
[ talk to ] I'm already doing that.
[ have sex with ] My future wife. (HAH!)
[ kiss ] Jen.
[ be like ] Ultimately, Jesus. For now, James Bond. *nods* Yeah.

And that's all there is, there isn't any more.

So it's been a good weekend, you might say.

This weekend has been kind of an interesting experience for me. You see, on Friday night I drove up to Oklahoma to visit my youth group at Falls Creek. I took my guitar, as I am wont to do when I go on a trip of any real length. I got to Falls Creek in just in time for the evening tabernacle service, and after going to Hinton's cabin just to say "Hi" to Joann (a cook for our cabin, also a great friend and mom to one of my best friends), I went with Lynnae up to the tabernacle so I would know where Hinton was sitting. The tabernacle holds about 6000 people when you really pack them in there, so sometimes it can be hard to find your group.

So when we got near the Hinton group, people I haven't seen in almost a year immediately recognized me and smiled ever-so-wide as they waved hello to me. Among a group of about 60 folks all seated together, at least half of them must have said "hi" to me in a span of about five seconds. It was dizzying and a bit confusing, but it made me feel like I was among people who were truly happy to see me; I had really missed these people, but I never knew it.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't feel loved and accepted here at Baylor, this was just a different kind of acceptance than I had been experiencing at Baylor for the past year. Whereas at Baylor I have different groups of people I hang out with depending on whether it's a band activity , a K-Psi event, a church activity, or some other type of thing. In Hinton, it doesn't matter what you're doing, you're always with the same people. So these people not only know about everything you've ever done, but they probably had a rather large hand in many of those events. It's the whole "small town mentality" that I complain about so bitterly and yet love so much.

(Off-topic, but I wonder if this is just something I do or if it's more common than that: the things I love most are the things I find myself complaining about the most. Is this because I'm just naturally inclined to complain about things [hope not!], or is it that these things are so dear to me that if I perceive anything to be the slightest bit wrong I immediately start whining about it? I must ponder this.)

So after the amazing service (go Bill Green!), I joined the group back at the cabin and was talking to Dave a little bit about what's going on when all of a sudden he just up and said, "Man, I'm glad you're here, you can play guitar tonight." Now, I really wanted him to ask me to do this, but I was still surprised that he would just come out of nowhere like that and offer me that opportunity. I hadn't played in front of people for almost a year before Friday night, so I guess I'd forgotten that when you show up in Hinton (or rather, when you're among Hintonites) they immediately put your skills to work. *laughs*

Long story short, Kim, Corey, and I ended up leading the worship that night. I didn't sing (wasn't my place; I've graduated and moved on, so I was glad to just be a part of the rhythm section), just played my guitar and nodded along with the beat. We did "Romans 16:19" (they cracked my resolve), "Waves of Mercy," "Here I am to Worship," and "Breathe." After all of that was done, Dave let me sleep in the cabin out of the kindness of his heart (thanks again, Dave). The next morning I helped a bit with the cabin-cleaning and left for Fort Worth.

After a fairly short drive to the Big City, I had an excellent lunch with Jen at Applebee's. I'd like to think that both of us really enjoyed it, but I can only speak for myself in this instance, and I did indeed have fun. We made plans to see each other later that night when she got done singing for some folks' wedding. (can't remember their names now... eep)

So I had some time to kill in Fort Worth at this point. I would attend the Saturday night service at my Uncle Sam's church, Bear Valley Community Church in Hurst. I hadn't even been to this church in almost three years (maybe more, I can't remember), so I figured I'd probably be able to sneak in mostly unrecognized and just enjoy the service, assuming none of my family was actually there that night. I spent about an hour studying Political Science at a nearby Starbucks, and then I headed to the church.

When I got to the church, the first person I saw(!) right at the front door immediately held out his hand, grinned and said, "You must be John." So my intentions of anonymity were dashed fairly quickly, you might say. You see, my brother (Rob) works as the youth minister at the church, and so people there know of my existence because he likes to tell stories of how annoying or frustrating I am (I know of at least two lessons he's taught where I acted as some sort of "obstacle" he needed to get past; thanks, Rob). Some people say we share a very strong resemblance, so this guy saw my Oklahoma license plates, noticed the family resemblance, and immediately I was marked. *laughs* I must have shaken hands with twenty people who all said "It's so good to see you!" and all that. I did happen to run into some of my family: my Aunt Nancy was there to do some of the music and my cousin Will was doing sound. It was cool to see them, I must say.

The thing that interested me about all of that was the way I was greeted. Most of the people I met last night had never seen me or even talked to me, and yet they knew exactly who I was, where I came from, and could ask me questions about my family without even having to struggle for names. These people knew me, certainly, but in a completely different sense than the people in Hinton knew me. Two churches, two groups who knew me, but two completely different approaches to "knowing" me.

This morning I went to UBC (my church here in Waco), and received yet another type of welcome. These people know me only from the experiences I've dealt with since coming to Baylor. These people know practically none of my history, but they know a fair amount about what group I spend the most time with, how I'll react to certain things, etc. They've seen me develop and grow over the past year, and that's how they see me. So that's now three ways that the people I've encountered this weekend "know" me.

All this to say, perhaps this relates to how we can know God. We can know him like the people at Bear Valley know me, through assocation and stories they've heard. Or we can know him like the people in Hinton know me, through shared past experiences and lots of memories but without any growth or new communication coming or going. And finally we can know Him like the people at UBC know me, by experiencing things together and constantly communicating about what's happened and what's happening. I should hope that I'm striving for the third, but sometimes I know I'm not doing any better than the second. Eep.

My prayer for today:
"God, help me to continue to grow and know You better like I know I should. Don't let me fall into a pattern of simply remembering what You've done, but let me to continue to realize what You can do if only I'll allow it to happen."

Listening to: Alive - P.O.D.

I guess I'll post the obligatory "This is who I am," entry, since that's the thing I always look for first when I read one of these things.

I am John M Carmack, a student at Baylor University in Waco Texas. The "M" is for "Michael," but for the most part I just use the "M." Can't say why, I just like it better. I just finished my first year of classes at this particular institution, but it was my second year of college education. I am currently taking summer school her

I am a Vocal Music Education major at the moment, although oddly enough it was not my first choice. When I came here I intended to major in Instrumental Music Education, but my plans were not meant to be, it would turn out. I didn't know I was coming to Baylor until about the April before my first fall semester here, so I missed all of the audition dates for the school of music. Hence, I came here signed up for music classes, assuming that I would be able to audition and get into the school with no problems. I didn't take into account the fact that I wasn't as good of a trumpet player as I thought I was, so when I auditioned in December I was rather devestated when the trumpet professor asked me, "Are you sure you even want to play the trumpet?"

So, I rethought my future a bit, and instead of changing paths entirely I chose to simply shift my heading a little bit. I auditioned for the Voice department on March 22nd of 2003, and was admitted to the school. And now I am a year behind in my most of my vocal classes. Whoops.

So now to compensate, I'm taking some general education classes in the summer. I figure if I'm ahead in terms of GEs, then being behind in voice will balance it out. Right? Right? Well, maybe not, but it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something, so you just leave me be. *nods in affirmation*

I actually may not post for awhile, considering that I'm going to be driving to Oklahoma (my home state) tomorrow so that I may see my old youth group. They're at a church camp this week that's a little further than halfway in between Waco and my hometown, so I thought I'd drop by and catch the last service of the week and say "hi" to everybody since I've been in Waco all summer. So if I don't see you before then, have a great weekend.

Listening to: Breathing - Lifehouse

Quote of the Moment:
Clint: "Well, I'm sorry that I wanna get drunk on my 21st birthday!"
Brett: "You are drunk on your 21st birthday."
Clint: "And I am well aware of that!"

Good day to you.
-Carmack

So I have now joined the dark side of the Internet, it would seem. Not only did I sign up for one of those "blog" things people keep telling me about, but I also spent a solid two hours making up my own template so I could feel artistic and cool. Things like this never last very long for me, but maybe this time 'round it could be different.

I decided to call it "te Deum," which is Latin for "To God." I suppose that's pretty cheesy when you come down to it, but it seemed an appropriate title for this particular time in my life. Also, if I remember that this thing is labeled as being "to God" it might keep me from being ridiculously negative here (as I have a tendency to do when I'm allowed to just type whatever I like).

So what goes on here? I basically just write a journal for all the world to read, and my mind is left as an open book to the masses? Sounds like fun, I suppose. But for now, I'll just leave it at this little introduction.

Have fun, all. Thanks for reading.
-Carmack