It's Not Morbid if You're Just Pontificating

I don't spend much time focusing on death. I acknowledge in my mind that it's something I'll face one day, almost certainly sooner than I would like, but other than that it's a topic that just doesn't cross my mind all that often. There's life to be lived right here and now, so to focus on the end of life rather than live it would seem to be a waste.

But every now and again (particularly after I've been watching Pushing Daisies or Six Feet Under) my mind does begin to drift that direction. I don't really think about how I'll die or anything like that, but I wonder what my funeral will be like. If I were to die mysteriously in my sleep tonight, who would speak at the memorial that would likely be held within the next week? Dave Fuller? Sam? How many people will go? Which (if any) of my ex-girlfriends would show up? Would my service be in Oklahoma, or in Waco? And if in Oklahoma, would it be in Hinton or OKC? Where would I ultimately be buried? What kind of music would be played, and how sincere would people be when they say things like "I'll miss him" to each other?

I remember overhearing a conversation between two people a few years back in which someone was explaining to the other person how at his church, they kept on file a "funeral plan" for when that person died. It contained an obituary as well as an order of service for their memorial, and a few other things which I can't seem to recall at the moment. They would update the file periodically, so if you were to suddenly die out of nowhere then your obituary would be up-to-date. This seemed to me then (and still seems to me now) to be fairly morbid. But I can't decide if I like or dislike the idea of having all of that planned out. People use the phrase, "that's what he/she would have wanted" pretty frequently, but honestly, I'll be gone and won't care all that much. The service would not be for me. It would be for those who are still here and want to say goodbye; am I really qualified to tell them how to do that? I'm not sure that I am.

I think, because I like to be in control of things, I can see myself making a document that would outline this (I haven't, but I can see myself doing it if I were in a state of mind similar to my current one). But I also think that my desire for those who love me to have the service they feel suits them best would prevent me from ever telling anybody about it... or even saving the document, really. I'd feel weird knowing it was there.

Apologies if this seems like a depressing topic. I'm not trying to bring anybody down, this is just the most interesting thought process I've had in the last few days and wanted to make sure I got it typed before it went away forever (or at least until I watched another episode of Pushing Daisies).

BUT... since I feel like making a list, I'm going to have some fun with this topic. Feel free to play along in the comments.

Top 5 Songs I'd Like to Have Played at My Funeral (in no particular order)
1. Gloria - braveSaintSaturn
2. Invictus - braveSaintSaturn (the title is misleading; the song has the exact opposite meaning from the poem of the same name; rather than being the "master of my fate" or "captain of my soul" it is a song of deference to God; very lovely)
3. On Distant Shores - Five Iron Frenzy
4. Don't Stop Believin' - Journey
5. Waiting for My Real Life to Begin - Colin Hay

I'm going to return to attempting to sleep now. Have a good Wednesday, everybody.

Listening to - In Excelsis Deo by Roper

Why Today is Fun

I went to check my mail just now. As I was walking to the mailbox, the pay phone next to the pool (which I have never noticed before) starting to ring. I looked around, and seeing no one else there, decided to answer.

Me:"Baylor Plaza pay phone, this is Random Passerby speaking, how may I direct your call?"
Caller: "Um... what?"
Me: "You have reached the Baylor Plaza pay phone. Have you dialed in error?"
Caller: "Um... I'm sorry."
Me: "Thank you for calling today, and please do not hesitate to call in the future if you have any further questions. We appreciate your business!"

They hung up halfway through my spiel.

Five O'Clock and All's Well

I've had a hard time coming up with much to say in the past week. I've tried to post something about three or four times but each time ended up deleting the draft because I simply can't think of anything "worthwhile" to say. There's very little conflict in my world at the moment, and my biggest concern is memorizing music for auditions and the upcoming opera (more on that in a post coming within the next week). All things told, I'm a pretty happy camper and have been for some time now. And any student of literature knows that a protagonist without conflict is a story nobody's going to read for very long. So, even though I'm fully aware I'm not a character in a story, I have a hard time trying to communicate something that is (at the moment) not a terribly exciting narrative.

I've seen several of my friends on Facebook as well as several blogs post thoughts about today being the seventh anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center. Some of them have been quite poignant. There was the story of one guy who had just gotten out of drug rehab when the attacks occurred, and then used his newly-acquired zest for life to help those in need. It's a great read if you've got the time.

I have nothing so moving. I remember the whole day almost perfectly, from finding out what happened while I was in choir practice (when someone told us we turned on the TV and didn't get much done after that) to finally falling asleep at sometime after 3:00 in the morning. But it's nothing life-changing, so I can't attach much personal significance to it. I was saddened, sure, and I posed some philosophical thoughts that seemed deep to me at the time, but that's about it.

Mankind can be dark; in an attempt to seek God's (or in this case, Allah's) will, these men committed unquestionably evil deeds. This can lead to despair at the human condition, a feeling that it's hopeless to try to make anything better. It's the times we're tempted to give up that we are allowed to really show our quality.

"Sometimes, the bravest thing of all is to hope." - braveSaintSaturn

I leave you with this:



One of my very, very favorite songs, quite expertly combined with one of my favorite movies. I don't know who made this, but I love it. Well done.

Listening to - "Daylight" by braveSaintSaturn

Musings on My Future in Blogging

I've been going through the older entries here. I started this blog years ago to get my thoughts out of my head and into a place where I could come back any number of years later and see how my thinking has evolved or changed. It's strange to me how familiar all of the entries seem even though I remember writing almost none of them; I typically would write one and never read it again after posting it.

In doing that, I noticed how much more transparent I used to be when writing here. There were actual stories, and sometimes I would write my complete thoughts on some significant mental conflict I'd been having. In reading the entries, I can see that my writing has become less linear and coherent and is now far more sporadic and largely seems meant to promote whatever I'm enjoying at that particular moment in time (music, books, politics, what have you). Hardly compelling reading.

I'm not entirely sure what to do about this; lots of people read here via my FriendFeed, or on Facebook, or by actually just visiting the Blog. And I love that. I love thinking that maybe my thoughts are interesting or unique enough to be worth peering into from time to time, even if that's not necessarily the case. But full transparency here, like I used to write, is less of a good idea now. It used to be cathartic, but now I think I would feel a little too on display. A little bit naked, open to scrutiny or judgement from people who only know me through facebook or from back in Hinton, when I was more or less a completely different person from the one I've grown into.

So I've got to find a balance here. I want to share what's going on in my life and how it's affecting my thoughts, because there are people who read this (Nancy, dad, Ashlee, Nick, Cobb, and others) who take genuine interest and use it as a way to keep up with me. Other people have told me that they have read it as a way to get to know me better. Still others have read it to find things that they perceive to be wrong with me and then attempted to use them as arguments against me in battles I tried to leave behind years ago. Surely there's a way for me to do this, and do it well, while not leaving myself open to attack.

I'm going to give it a shot, simply because as I said above, I like doing this. I plan to post more frequently, which shouldn't be too difficult given my relatively light workload for this semester. Here's hoping you hear from me soon.

-John

Listening to - the Dr. Horrible soundtrack (now available on iTunes!)