Wow. It's been a long two weeks (and a few days).

I'm working in the drive through teller area right now, and it's not busy in the least. For some reason, Blogger isn't filtered by the Websense box and therefore typing here does not count against my sixty minutes of "Personal Time" that I'm allowed on the internet per day. And so I here I sit, blogging like a madman between phone calls and customers.

I've spent some time reading other folks' online journals, just because I've been thinking about my Baylor friends in the past few days. And I've noticed a major fundamental difference in small town life and university life. At Baylor, people get mad at each other. Not that people in Hinton don't get mad, it's just that people at Baylor get nasty about it. The things people do to each other and say about each other... they can destroy somebody. I'm not at all saying I'm above any of it, because I've been just as guilty of it if not more. I've spent three years in Waco with only the occasional return to Hinton (never more than a day or two), and it has had a detrimental effect on who I am. I am mean. I am spiteful. I talk badly about people who have done nothing to me. I make attempts to obliterate people who have done something to me. And I do it all with a smile on my face and a song in my heart; there is something horribly wrong with that picture. This kind of thing, for awhile, was fun for me. That is awful.

I've now returned to Hinton, where people remember me as the person I was in high school. Kinda nerdy, a little strange, but in general a pretty nice guy. Nobody here knows me all that well; most older folks know me as "Steve's boy (the younger one)" or "the banker's kid." People still in high school or those who are freshly graduated know me by association, they know who I am and for the most part what I do, but ninety-five percent of the people who encounter me have never had a deeper conversation with me than "Hi, how've you been, what's your major, when do you graduate, have a nice day." These people like me. Not because I've never done anything mean to them or because I've done something nice for them, they just like me because they're good people who like other people. I don't have to earn a smile, because by golly it's just what you do. Now, this isn't the case all of the time; there's the occasional angry teenager or grumpy old person, but for the most part the above description is a good summary of my personal encounters with the people of Hinton.

This will have an effect on a person. I've noticed that I don't have to force a smile when I say hello to people anymore. I just smile. I never noticed that I was forcing until I didn't have to anymore, oddly enough. But it's a good feeling. I like it here. Not so much that I don't want to return to Baylor, I'm just glad that I'll be returning instead of simply being there.

There is drama in Hinton, of course, just like there is everywhere. It's just that here it's so much more short-lived. And harmless. People get pissed at each other, but they're just as likely to forget about it by the next day as they are to say anything about it. But if they do say anything about it, it will be to this chain of events (occasional ommisions or additions occur, but the end result is usually the same):
1) They talk to their good friend, just to make sure they're not being ridiculous for being upset about whatever it is that's causing grief.
2) They ponder how best to say anything to the other person.
3) If they haven't forgotten about it already or had sufficient time to cool off enough not to care, they'll say the person, "Hey, I'm pissed. What's up with [blank]?" (obviously a paraphrase; edit as you please)

I suppose the reason for this is that Hinton is too small for people not to like each other. You don't have the option of simply not seeing somebody or avoiding them, because that would create way too much of a change in how you do things. You can't stop going to church just because you don't like somebody in the youth group. And once you're there, you will encounter this person. Same story with school. So when there's crap, you deal with it. It's the only option. People don't stew, because it just makes things worse.

I stew. Or rather, I have stewed (the word "stew" just lost meaning for me; too many consecutive uses, I reckon). Not about things here, but things at Baylor. When nobody in K-Psi called to ask why I didn't make it to retreat, I let it get to me. I let myself become glad I wasn't able to make it because I convinced myself that everybody in the group thought I was little punk and that they couldn't stand me. I imagined conversations around the campfire of people saying they were glad I wasn't there. But that was ridiculous. The fact of the matter is they were just having a good time where they were, and if they thought about my absence at all it was probably just in passing (ie, "Where's Carmack? Huh. Strange. Okay, next thought." kinda thing). When it came right down to it, my not being there just didn't affect anybody all that much. And that's really okay.

Nobody's out to get me. Not really. It's more accurate to say everybody is just watching out for themselves. Not in a bad, selfish way, they just want to be protected from the bad stuff. The drama. The breakups. The lying. The truth telling (but not the honest kind). There's a few people who feel like they have reason to dislike me, and they probably have a point, but in the end all they want to do is keep the bad stuff away from themselves. Sometimes they/I do that by pointing it in somebody else's direction; that's wrong, undoubtedly, but sometimes it's just so easy to justify.

To close us out, I have an excerpt from Damien Rice's "The Professor." This is off of his "B Sides" album, which is a much more raw collection of material than is his first CD ("O"). Don't tune it out, though; read it through and really think about the stuff being portrayed in his imagery. It's some cool stuff.

From The Professor (live version):

I don't know if I'm wrong, 'cause she's only just gone
Here's to another relationship bombed by my
Excellent breed of gamete disease
I'm sure when I'm older I'll know what that means

She cried when she should and laughed when she could
Here's to the man with his face in the mud
And an overcast play just takin' away
From the lovers in love at the center of stage

Lovin' is fine if you've plenty of time
For walking on stilts at the edge of your mind

----

It goes on. If you're intrigued, I enourage you to get on iTunes and downlod the song; but beware, it is not for sensitive ears. Like I said above, it's raw. But it's good stuff.

Okay, I'm out of stuff to say for now. I'm going to eat my lunch now before it gets cold.

Listening to - Speechless by Steven Curtis Chapman